Fear of the slience
So I don't usually think about fear much even though I know it is a factor in highlining for many people, but for me I guess my fear is fear itself. So in a way I'm in denial and try to ignore it. But recently some things happened that highlighted what I'm scared of and I thought it would be interesting to share my thoughts. Firstly I will share a passage I wrote for an article analysing fear in highlining and climbing.
One thing a lot of people associate these sports with is fear and I think it is a factor that is always present. So let's talk about fear for a minute. As much as I try to pretend I'm fearless and other people see me as having no fear, it’s not true, fear manifests itself in many forms. The key is to sort out the rational fear from the irrational. As much as I would like to be truly fearless, it does have its place in protecting us from dangerous events. But irrational fear can be limiting. So to eliminate it you have to face it, and this is a big part of highlining. There is something inherently unnatural about walking in the air on one inch of webbing that most people’s minds have something against. But when you rig a highline safely, you can trust your set-up and all you have to do is to fight your fears - whatever they may be; fear of falling, of pain, of space, of failing or of fear itself. In climbing too you can expose your fears, it can be safe and it can be unsafe and you have to judge where the line is and stay within it, pushing your abilities but not too far. However with trad climbing you can be safe one moment and not the next, run out with no more gear. Highlining has something unique that once it is set up correctly you can be happy you are safe, then you can relax and have fun free to leave behind the rational fear and learn to deal with the irrational.
Now after saying these things I have exposed my fears. In the last month I have been highlining a few times in North Wales and I have ended up sessioning highlines on my own, the last being an 80m loose line in Vivian quarry. On this line, knowing I need to get off the line myself if something happens because it could take some time before someone could come and rescue me, I'm not scared. This line is a challenge for me, I can walk some but not all of it but I feel happy to session it, feeling confident and loving it. I'm sure some people would look at me and think I'm a bit crazy and I should probably be careful highlining when other people aren't around. But I trust in my own abilities and am confident I could get myself out of a bad situation due to my experience on highlines.
So what am I scared of because I can't be fearless. There are definitely many things that I am scared of. So a situation came that exposed some of my fears. What I wanted to do was run away and ignore it. Which is pretty hypocritical given what I wrote in the paragraph above. Luckily my mind is not that weak and I ended up facing my fear, getting on the line and walking it. So the line that did this to me was an 10m waterline across the Foss in York. The situation appeared pretty quickly and caught me off guard and my initial reaction was; no I don't want to waterline now. There could be a list of excuses but I know they are just excuses; I'm too tired (we had just spend the weekend slacklining at Northwest Slackfest), I don't like walking short lines and I don't like water. But of course these are just excuses. I don't believe in myself enough to think I can walk this line without falling - which of course I can (if I can fight on an 80m highline). Why would I have so little confidence in my own abilities, maybe I'm scared of failing? Dan walked the line so confidently and this attitude impresses me, something I really wish I have just to believe in myself and create confidence. He said 'of course I can walk it I'll do it in my clothes with my blindfold on' and of course he did. For me I was scared of falling, failing or fear and everything else. I would just have left the situation but I guess I have a stubbornness too and do want to confront my fears. So in the end I walked the line too in my clothes, and my hat which means I did believe I wouldn't fall in because I definitely didn't want to loose that hat!
I find this quite interesting to understand my mind and my fears. I know mine may be different to other peoples and I notice different ways people are inhibited by fear when highlining. Below is some interpretations of the experience me and Dan wrote from the other persons perspective. Initially I didn't like what he wrote because it showed me as something I didn't want to be and didn't want other people to see me as. I do have fears but I hope this inspires me to keep fighting them and not to ignore them. This only helps to increase them and make them harder to fight. Also its pretty funny to be scared of short slacklines. It would be interesting to know if this relates to other people's feelings and how other people see these situations.
Walking on the Foss 31 May 2015
Sarah Rixham on Daniel Laruelle
He stepped onto the line with conviction. No doubt in his mind that he would walk the line so getting his clothes wet was a not an issue. Stepping forward, in balance, concentrating but not stressed.
This was easy for him, subconsciously using the skills he has developed “I knew I could do it, when he asked me to do it I knew straight away I would walk the line, my confidence just grew as I said it.”
He walked smoothly across the river as people stopped to watch, the sun was setting, shining off the orange webbing, the light was just perfect at that moment. He turned to the side looking at people taking photos from the bridge, relaxed and chatting. “It wasn’t challenging, I was just having fun.” The people watching never consider themselves to be able to do something like this, but why not?
How does he get to this confident state of mind “To be able to walk the line you need to be open to failure, to know that its ok to make a mistake, be at peace with failing, with your mind and yourself. But I didn’t think I was going to fall” he later said. He walked as if there was no water beneath him just grass, having fun and enjoying being in the moment, in a flow state. The positive attitude is commendable to a guy who was asked spontaneously to walk the line across the water.
Why did this happen? I was walking by the Ouse on a Sunday evening and saw people slacklining - you may have seen them around millennium bridge before as I often have. I’ve seen them before walking across the water and thought that some photos would look impressive. I asked if they could do it and he immediately said to me “Of course I can. I’ll do it with my clothes on and my eyes closed.”
He stepped off the line with a big grin on his face. What a great and surprising experience.
Daniel Laruelle on Sarah Rixham
Evening rodeo session by the river. But this was to be no usual evening.
They had just returned from a weekend full of longlines in the park every day. Her body was aching all over. As soon as the rodeoline is set up, the possibility of a waterline line appears before her eyes. Immediate doubt crosses her mind. No chance whatsoever that she’s getting on a waterline now of all times. It was no question. A ridiculous proposal.
“Its water and I’m tired,” she said, “there is just no chance of me doing it because i’ll just fall in.”
After rigging the line and watching a few attempts of the line, her doubt slowly starts to dissolve. “It’s something that I’d easily be able to do,” she eventually admits. Eventually she just thinks ‘forget it, I’m going for it.’ Off come the shoes in no time and now at the edge of the bank.
Suddenly the intensity of the task at hand creeps slowly back- as a small faint noise in the corner of her head. As if her mind was a large room and far away somebody was faintly shouting ‘don’t do it!’
Sitting on the line, the space below her, sensing the void beneath her feet and feeling the water flowing gently by. The aim is for your mind to flow like the water. Then anything is possible.
But in a situation like this it was near impossible. The water would have felt like a dark gravitation, luring her down into a wet defeat off the line. All she was feeling was nerves, she wasn’t feeling relaxed at all. The thought of falling in was like a bad omen softly holding her hand and leading her into the emptiness below. How to drown the nerves out.
Feel the water, feel the flowing relaxing thoughts. Eliminate the nerves. but no, the voice in the corner of the large room had turned into a choir of hundreds all shouting ‘DON’T DO IT!’
But this is normal. Fight through the nerves and anything is possible...right? This is how it is every time she feel these nerves. She pushes through the mental blocks and finally gets rewarded with a few steps on the line or a few seconds of mental tranquility.
Finally up, she has ecstasy raging through her head but behind a cloud of nerves. “Once I had walked a bit, I knew that I could walk the line” she later said.
This mid-way rush of confidence on the line was like a shower of confetti in her mind. Every step in the forward direction feels like a gift in situations like this.
Uh Oh! no here come the nerves in the form of shakes on the line. Trying to hold her balance. Arms flailing wildly the nerves getting louder and louder in her mind. In a frantic rush, her feet leave the line.
Catch.
Spinning below the line she regains her balance. Now she knows the feeling of the line! She now has the key to the tranquil mind and body state that this line requires. Straight back to standing, no time wasted. Now this is possible. Shut up nerves. Not now. You’ve got this. Keep walking.
Starting to relax, her movements become slow. Her arms moving steadily like a metronome above her head.
Finally the reward. Tranquility while floating above the water.